Countermeasures
by OneSmartBoochi
Summary: An unfinished piece of slashy political pundit fan fiction involving Stephen Colbert, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Jon Stewart with a sprinkling of Keith Olbermann and Tucker Carlson.
1. Chapter 1

Series - O'Reilly Factor, The Glenn Beck Program, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  
Rating - M  
Warnings - Slashtastic  
Pairings - Beck & Colbert, Colbert & Stewart along with vague Papa Bear & Colbert  
Disclaimer - I own nothing and no one.  
Summary - An unfinished story.  
Author's Notes - None.  
Word Count -

* * *

"I don't know how you do it Glenn but you had that audience in the palm of your hand." Bill exclaimed as he tossed his jacket upon the pile of garbage that had accumulated on the coffee table in the middle of Glenn Beck's dressing room.

"It's called the capture, contain and kill method and I'll explain it to you later." Glenn said, popping a fist full of M&M's in his mouth as he pushed a single green converse up against the make up counter, spinning himself around in his chair to acknowledge the man who had just shown himself into his dressing room.

"Don't you ever clean this place?" Bill gestured with both hands around the room, vaguely appaulled at the amount of trash one man could generate by himself.

"Well excuse those of us who don't hire someone to clean up after us." Glenn retorted as he took in the sight of complete disarray around them and made a mental note to himself to clean it up later.

"Well, where am I supposed to sit?" Bill asked, looking at Glenn expectantly.

"Oh right, um, sorry." Glenn said as he got up and lifted a stack of papers off the couch and seeing that there was no place else to put them sat them down on top of Bill's jacket.

"I'm getting you a professional organizer for Christmas." Bill stated flatly as Glenn cleared himself a spot on the couch across from him.

"For once I won't argue with you." Glenn smiled as he pulled out a pillow that had gotten wedged in the couch cushions and layed it across his lap as he settled back against the time worn fabric of his couch.

"I'm glad to hear that because I have come to ask you not to do anything stupid." Bill said, looking straight at Glenn in an attempt to show how serious he was.

"Too late!" Glenn laughed lightly before looking at Bill and upon seeing his face stopped laughing and waited for him to continue.

"I'm tellin' ya Glenn he is not someone to be messed with. Just look what he did to Tucker Carlson. If you think he is kidding I can assure you that he's not and you don't want him to make you into the focus of his or Colbert's scorn." Bill said. Hoping against hope that he could find a way to talk some sense into Glenn before he went and got himself into a whole heap of trouble. He knew what it was like to go up against Jon Stewart and he knew that Glenn would be no match in a battle of wits.

"You really think that this Stewart guy is someone I should be worried about?" Glenn said as he folded his arms across his chest and gave Bill his best 'You've got to be kidding me' look.

"Glenn, I know you and I know your planning on doing something to get back at him for that little parody of you he did awhile back but I'm tellin' ya that if you know what is good for you that you will just let it go. Now I gotta go and get into make up and get ready for my show but promise me that you won't try anything pinheaded." Bill said as he stood and fished his jacket out from beneath the stack of papers and navigated his way to the exit.

"Oh, Bill." Glenn said from his seat on the couch.

"Yes Glenn." Bill paused with his hand on the doorknob.

"Who is your special guest tonight?" Glenn asked already knowing the answer but wanting to confirm it.

"Stephen Colbert." Bill answered, dropping his head with a sigh knowing full well that everything he said before had just gone in one ear and out the other.

"Stephen Colbert huh?" Glenn repeated quietly to himself.

"Glenn." Bill warned, his voice filled with the sound of disapproval born only from experience.

"Don't worry." Glenn began as he rose from his seat and traced Bill's path to the door. " I won't do anything. I promise."

"I'm gonna hold you to that ya know." Bill said before sending Glenn a knowing glance over his shoulder and walking out the door, Glenn closing it gently behind him.

_'I promise I won't do anything.'_ Glenn though to himself, a smirk crossing his lips as he leaned back against the door. '_Just someone.'_


	2. Chapter 2

Series - O'Reilly Factor, The Glenn Beck Program, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  
Rating - M  
Warnings - Alcohol  
Pairings - Beck & Colbert, Colbert & Stewart along with vague Papa Bear & Colbert  
Disclaimer - I own nothing and no one.  
Summary - An unfinished fic.  
Author's Notes - None.  
Word Count -

* * *

"That's it for this evening. We'll be back on Monday and be sure to set your DVRs to catch my upcoming appearance on The Colbert Report. I'm Bill O'Reilly and remember that the spin stops right here, because we are definitely looking out for you."

_'Any minute now.'_ Glenn realized as he sat in the back of the O'Reilly Factor green room listening to the credits roll. '_Colbert's gonna walk back here. I'll introduce myself and ask him out for a friendly drink. Then I will just lightly take advantage of him and be done with it.' _It had taken him all of five seconds to concoct what he had considered to be a pretty decent plan. Instead of spending yet another night alone with a bag of M&M's just laying in front of his TV at home he was going to spend this evening getting Stephen Colbert as drunk as he possibly could and maybe even get laid, which he had to admit didn't sound too bad. Although he was doing it to get back at Jon Stewart, he couldn't deny that a small part of him had always thought that Stephen was a little bit on the handsome side.

"Excuse me, Glenn Beck?" Glenn heard a familiar voice say as he turned around and came face to face with the man who seemed to be occupying more and more of his thoughts as of late.

"Stephen Colbert! My pleasure." Glenn said as he clasped hands with the slightly younger man.

"The pleasure is mine, Sir." Stephen replied as he glanced up at Glenn with his trademark smile in place. "What brings you here?"

"You, actually." Glenn said with an equally brilliant smile on his face. "I was hoping that I could get you to go out for a drink with me this evening. Maybe talk a little shop or something." Glenn continued, trying to appear nonchalant despite his intentions.

"That sounds like a plan." Bill said as he stepped into the room beside Stephen and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Why don't we all go for a drink? I know this great place downtown." Bill said as he cast a knowing glance over at Glenn and smiled when he saw a look of annoyance briefly flash in his eyes.

"Sure, let's do it!" Stephen said as he looked over at Glenn and watched him nod in agreement.

"It's settled then." Bill said as he bid goodbye to the pair and headed to his office to lock up.

"Come on. Let's head out. We can take my car." Glenn offered as he lead Stephen to the elevator before turning around and asking him if he had left anything here that he needed to get before they headed out for the evening. Shaking his head Stephen stepped into the elevator behind Glenn and punched the first floor button.

_'Bill thinks he can just show up and ruin my evening but I will show him.'_ Glenn thought as the elevator descended. '_Poor little Stephen is going to need a ride home by the time this evening is over and I will be more than happy to give it to him.'_

"So, what is this club Bill is taking us to?" Stephen asked, his voice full of enthusiasm and Glenn vaguely wondered if he was this upbeat all the time.

"No idea." Glenn said as the exited the elevator and headed to the parking lot. Always happy to play the part of a gentleman, Glenn held open the door of his Escalade for Stephen and helped him in. Walking around to the other side Glenn got in, buckled up and turned on the air conditioner before turning to make sure that Stephen was nicely buckled in as well. They didn't have to wait long for Bill, who walked up to the drivers side door and knocked on the glass, getting the younger men's attention.

"Follow me." Bill said before turning to leave and get into his car.

Watching Bill leave Glenn turned to Stephen and asked if he was ready before seeing Bill wave to them from his car and bidding them to follow.

It wasn't long before the trio arrived in the parking lot of the club. Getting out of his car and moving to open Stephen's door for him, Glenn helped him out of his car and the paired joined up with Bill who had to park a few spots away.

If the club looked packed from the parking lot it was nothing compared to how packed it was inside. There was a line of people outside waiting to get in but evidently Bill either had reservations or he had taken advantage of his celebrity because they simply walked up to the bouncer who let them inside without hesitation.

Looking around the club, Glenn could tell that this was not the type of place Bill would frequent. The man was clearly up to something. It only took until the moment he could see their table to find out what.

"I asked Jon to join us. I hope you don't mind." Bill said, smiling pointedly at Glenn as they took their seats.

"No, I don't mind at all." Glenn said as he took a seat next to Stephen and mentally cursed the nuisance sitting to his left.

"What can I get you boys tonight?" Came the voice of a scantily clad waitress as she flipped open her notepad and looked at them expectantly.

"You order first." Glenn said as he looked across the table at Jon.

"I will have a Dry Manhattan on the rocks please. Stephen will have the same." Jon said as he looked up at the waitress and then over to Bill.

"I will take a Dry Martini if you would please." Bill ordered and then looked over at Glenn.

"Cancel that second Manhattan. I'll have a Rum and Coke please." Stephen said as he looked directly at Jon who had an undefinable expression on his face, which did not go unnoticed by Bill and Glenn.

"I will have a Coke Zero, please." Glenn said.

"What kind of alcohol would you like with that, Sir?" The waitress asked, clearly annoyed that he had not stated exactly what he wanted the first time.

"None for me thanks. I don't drink." Glenn smiled and watched as the waitress turned on her heel and headed to the bar with their order.

"So, how was the show?" Jon asked as he settled back in his chair.

'_Making himself comfortable.'_ Glenn noticed with quiet disappointment.

"It was good." Bill said as he looked from Stephen to Jon then back again. "Not as embarrassing this time around."

"Much less vertigo." Stephen said as he shook his head up and down, causing Glenn to smile. Sure, he had seen Stephen in character before but having him this close was something else entirely. He couldn't quite put his finger on what exactly it was about Stephen saying something so... Colbertish that was causing these butterflies to flutter against his rib cage, but whatever it was, he knew that he liked it.

"What about the last time you were on the show, Jon?" Glenn asked in an attempt at small talk. He may not like the man but even he knew that image was everything. '_At least until after tonight.'_ Glenn thought with a smile.

"We had a great time didn't we Bill?" Jon said as he tilted his chair back and folded his hands across his abdomen.

"Yes we did. Do you remember afterwards when we went to that Yankees game and Keith Olbermann was there and he was giving you the cold shoulder?" Bill said as he too leaned back in his chair, mimicking Jon.

"Yeah and I tried to get him to join us and he ignored me. I even threw a balled up hot dog wrapped into his cup of beer but I couldn't get him to talk to me." Jon smiled.

"I would never ignore you like that." Stephen said.

"Of course not, I know you wouldn't." Jon said.

Giving a nod and accepting his glass as the waitress returned with their drinks, Glenn looked over at Stephen and he noticed that his demeanor had changed shortly after they had arrived. He thought it had something to do with Jon and Bill spending so much time together. Not that it mattered to him if Jon and Stephen's relationship was on the rocks. All he wanted to know was if there was something there that he could use to his advantage.

"I heard that Jon is set to appear on your show again sometime next month." Glenn probed as he fixed his gaze on Stephen, searching for any signs of unease at the statement.

"Is he?" Stephen asked flatly as he looked over at Jon.

"I wasn't aware that I needed to have my schedule approved by you first." Jon said as he stared right back at Stephen.

"No you don't. You never do." Stephen said as he threw his head back and finished his entire drink in a dramatic fashion.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jon inquired.

"Nothing." Stephen said before he excused himself from the table and left.

"Will you two please excuse me just a minute?" Jon said before he too took his leave.

"I hope you are happy." Bill said as he looked over at Glenn, making his displeasure clear.

"What did I do?" Glenn asked, feigning innocence.

"You don't know when to quit do you?" Bill said before he too got up to take care of the check.


End file.
